The Magickal Record of Louis Martinie': June 1999

Tuesday 1: Sick. A cold/flu keeps going around in New Orleans. I have it once more and my voice is going.
Tuesday 2: Sick. I have lost my voice, which is not all in all a displeasing thing. Priestess Miriam has a term "Walkie-Talkie" It is a marvelous term for those people who wish to spend their time moving and talking with no great deal of internal searching. Well, I can walk but I sure as hell cannot talk.
Wednesday 3: Brother Marassa called at midnight tonight. His voice was soft, filled with a pain and determination. He said, "I am dying. I want to come to New Orleans and do it in the Temple. I stared without seeing. My awareness had moved from standing in our bathroom to a place we all go to at some time. My attention cascaded into a deeply internal place. A place where the most important decisions are made. I told him to come to New Orleans; to our house Temple. We would face his death together.

There was nobility and beauty in his words. What I write now for the next 10 days is intimately connected to this initial statement of mine. It is a story of both my failures and successes in maintaining the honor in this initial statement. This time period was powered by decisions that I had to make. This will be a running account from June 3rd to June 13th.

This was a time of great stress. My brother in Brownsville Station, Texas has been told by a doctor that he has a terminal condition and he has decided to begin the journey to the Mother in his own time by his own hand.

It is Wednesday and I am sick. No voice and I am involved in closing out all of the records for my job. I have until Friday to close these records or I will inconvenience many people. I need time to reflect; to rotate the news from Brother Marassa in my mind. I must be alone to do this.
Thursday 4: Now, more than ever, I can work on holding the mind and its thoughts as a tool. Something to be used for the good of my whole being; in service to Will. I stop suddenly while walking. The thought "Brother Marassa is dying" blots out all that is around me. When this thought comes, my will to act, to "do" in the present leaves and I am left with sadness and inaction. Trapped in a limbo, far from the present moment, I spin in an endless circle of repetition and fear. Letting go of Brother Marassa is a letting go of a future I value. All of the times I imagined we would be together. Our words and our silences. Expectations...How can one let go of a future that has not happened? How can one let go of what one does not have? Still, it feels like a giving up of something that is/was already mine.
Friday 5: The last day of school. Traditional Bon Voyage party at Kaldi's. Richard will soon be leaving for Haiti. My plans are all in flux. Concentration is on Brother Marassa. At work I would steal moments to revolve the coming decisions. Now I will have the time to consider all that is before me.
No, the first departure from our initial words, Brother Marassa cannot come to New Orleans and take his life in violence. The police would have so many questions. Also, just how important is my work? Am I wiling to risk putting my work in jeopardy? How much am I willing to risk? Is there a better way? Is it good to check out in such a way that the you put others, the community at risk? One of the reasons Brother Marassa wants to come to New Orleans is not to place the tattoo shop under police scrutiny. Mishlen still feels that Brother Marassa will not die. I have learnt to trust her intuition. I do not know. I hear Mishlen's words in my mind and then I hear Brother Marassa's voice telling me it is near the end.
Saturday 6: There are about 13 faces above the moldings at Kaldi's Coffee House on Decanter. (The man at the table next to me is speaking in a voice so loud he is almost shouting. "People are so quiet in NYC. So sophisticated. Even the criminals read books." Lord, I had to move to think). I was with Brother Marassa when He worked upon an hung the faces with C. I sit in the coffeehouse now and think and feel. Perhaps a better term would be to "revolve," the situation within my mind. Revolve is a very apt term the old cabalists used. They would revolve an idea. To me now, this means to move my attention between emotion and intellect. Am I wiling to risk jail for Brother Marassa? Is Brother Marassa truly dying? He was told by a doctor that he only had a few days to live. But then again, so was Lee and it was all a mistake. He has had many emergencies in the past. Is this one of the situations he could will/fight his way out of?

I do not know but I must act.

I most pull what is most real for me out of my internal attention and project it upon the world through my actions. I come up with a statement predicated upon strong "ifs". "If" Brother Marassa is really dying, then he is welcome (this is a kind of permission, to give someone permission to die as they want does nor ring well in my ears, still it is a permission) to come to our Temple in New Orleans. But his death must be explainable. It must not endanger my work or those whom I love. For me to risk jail to more than a manageable degree is not acceptable.

I must stay true to all that is within me. This is where a truth lies. I must meet these hard questions with what is true within me. I may not have all of the facts. I may not be able to think of all of the possible options, but I do have the Angel. There are acts and those acts have consequence. I must weigh and revolve and accept.

This is the path of Honor. His suicide at the House Temple must not be violent.

Dream….A snake was fighting a tiger for the body of a hawk. The snake won. The head of the snake detached and came toward me. It transformed into a nude, wild child with long brownish, golden hair. A beautiful woman was holding the child. She showed me the child's enlarged cunt and said the child could never go to school. The child fucks too much. Then the dream ended when the body of the snake called the head/now child back.
I take this as showing me a spirit (the child) that is too caught up in the sensual (the cunt) to profitably accept a rebirth. The body of the snake (interlocked vertebra) is the ancestors in voodoo. The ancestors call her back to be with them.
Sunday 6: Brother Marassa
If Brother Marassa uses a knife there is a significant chance that he will not be able to finish himself off. Someone else would have to complete the act. No, it is not my will to complete such a death for Brother Marassa. No guns or knives. An elixir would be best for here. What would those I respect do? I know that priestess Miriam would not consent to a violent suicide at the Voodoo Spiritual Temple. What would Mr. Norbu do? What would the Dalai Lama do?
Monday 7: Brother Marassa
If Brother Marassa does decide to use a knife, I'll go to Brownsville Station, TX and be with him before the act, right before, but not during.

One of my morning visualizations is a Tree of Life that combines voodoo, buddhism, and cabalah. The loa are located within the tree. The prayers of the stable ones flow down and around the Tree like a huge visica pises. So beautiful.
Tuesday 8: Brother Marassa
Mishlen is back in New Orleans. I am so much more effective when we are together.
She has a strong psychic impression that this is not the time for Brother Marassa. That he will not die. I have learnt to trust her impressions, they are very often correct, though, as she says, she can be wrong.
Wednesday 9: Brother Marassa
I have been faced with situations in which people very close to me have wanted to end their existence in their present body. Those I respect did not want to do it in a way that would endanger their friends or larger spiritual community. This is important. I will tell Brother Marassa it's a good idea to leave a note and have something that says no heroic measures should be taken to prolong his life. It is also very important that he does not wait till he is too weak. Lord, such a delicate balance. Not to act too soon or too late. I am holding off going to Brownsville Station, TX as long as possible. It is as if my arrival puts a seal on the suicide.
Thursday 10: Brother Marassa
RITUAL: New Orleans Voodoo Spiritual Temple
WILL: For BROTHER MARASSA
LOVE: Honor and Respect to the Loa. Order of Service.
SUCCESS: Strong
COMMENT: Priestess Miriam's words conveyed that she did not believe that Brother Marassa will pass. This is the same impression that Mishlen has.
The litany of the loa sounds odd with a hoarse voice and mine is still hoarse.
Friday 11: Brother Marassa; Brownsville Station, Texas
This is a longer drive than Mishlen or I imagined. Drove the afternoon and most of the night. Stopped in a motel along the way. When would I support suicide? Great pain and/or no hope medically would be factors.
My will and best words are that Brother Marassa should get the opinion of another Dr. before proceeding. Use all of his other options before bailing out. Suicide is a viable option but it is an option that takes away all other options.
If the suicide is violent, then I will leave right before.
If the suicide is by prescribed drugs, then I will stay.
If Brother Marassa wants to die violently in the woods, I will drive him there and leave right before the act. I will not know if he has completed his planed act.
Saturday 12: Brother Marassa; Brownsville Station, Texas
Saw Brother Marassa. He is well cared for. Many people, mostly women, coming and going. Julie and Misty are with him all of the time. This is so good. I feared that he was alone with few who care for him.

His bedroom had become a temple of the Mother, a passageway to the otherside.
Told Brother Marassa that even though we are all there for him, there is more honor in not killing himself. I said that he has so much to teach. So much would be lost with his death. He can still give so much. His method of throwing the bones is unique. Much of it would be lost if he were to die now before writing or making an audio record.

He asked me to write his epitaph. He is my brother and I look to him for strength.

Later saw some people who had gone to about three doctors with him. They said that specialists said that he could have 5 years. Oh Man, such a relief!
Three of us talked now knowing this new news. He is taking so much pain med that he may be confused about his condition. We will try to convince Brother Marassa to give it some time. To try and see if he can get through this.
Man, I am so relieved.
Sunday 13: Brother Marassa; Brownsville Station, Texas

RITUAL: In Brother Marassa's Temple of the Mother; with Mishlen
WILL: Strength to Brother Marassa
LOVE: Brother Marassa laid between us and Mishlen worked on his bodies energy. I drummed and at one point balanced what Mishlen was doing by sitting at Brother Marassa's feet and giving power to her and to him.
SUCCESS: Strong. Brother Marassa's body felt strong to both Mishlen and I.
COMMENT: This certainly confirms what we heard last night.

We all spoke to Brother Marassa. Julie in particular.
Brother Marassa has decided to give it two more weeks.
I am sure my brother has more to live….a heavy stone has been lifted from my heart.

Maybe this record will help others faced with the same situation and its decisions. Maybe it will help me when again I am faced this. Looking back, what is most important is looking to the Angel and from her looking to the World and revolving the world and the Angel as "if/then" statements…..if(World)/then(Angel).
Also, it is impossible to get the whole story, to be fully informed. One must act BUT wait as long as possible to get as much information as possible.
While there is the possibility of making the World better through my presence, as long as I can tolerate what disease or injury that has come to me, I will not bail out.
Monday 14: Ah! My body aches from the mental and physical strain. Rest today.
Tuesday 15: What I have seen with Brother Marassa is a magician preparing for his death. He made an invocation of the Mother in all of her aspects. He created a River Styx in his bedroom/Temple.
Brother Marassa's technique is extremely powerful but now I have known a source of even greater power. It has been called the clear light. The "light" is clear, not white, black, or colored. It carries with it an elegant lucidity.
Within the mirror, I have learnt to call and appreciate the final, formal, elegance of Maya. Now I have experienced what is beyond this phenomena. Neither light nor darkness. One cannot even say that it exists for it stands behind all of existence.
Wednesday 16: This time with Brother Marassa has given me a chance to look very deeply at reasons to pass. I do not think I could look so deeply if anyone other than a close friend was involved.
Thursday 17: More and more I am coming to appreciate the importance of gratitude. I was reviewing the sabbatical committee today. I don't know if I would be as generous as these friends. I am very grateful.
Friday 18: Turned sabbatical forms in at DeGaulle. They total about 20 pages. I believe that I have succeeded in doing a very complete job on the proposal.
Saturday 19: There are many levels to Brother Marassa's illness. At first it was necessary to look to the physical, to keep his body alive in the moment. Now, more metaphysical concerns are proper. He is heartsick for C. I have even heard that his will to live was compromised by Cs absence.
Now his life is threatened by Hep C.
There is certainly the physical basis to Hep C that must be addressed. There is also the magickal connections of C.
Since the breakup, C has said she owns the tattoo shop and this threatens Brother Marassa continuing to tattoo. Hep C has performed the same function; he can not tattoo with Hep C.
Sunday 20: RITUAL: Summer Solstice. House Temple with Mishlen
WILL: For Brother Marassa
LOVE: Chant together before the Buddha's alter.
SUCCESS: Strong. Both of us together can call more power with the chanting than one of us alone.
COMMENT: Brother Marassa calls himself Dad and this is Fathers Day. I find the voices that come from me interesting.
Monday 21: Oh Lord! The Sabbatical has been tentatively approved. I thought it would take much more than this; trips back and forth to New Orleans. This is the First Day of Summer.
Tuesday 22: Spent the day under the house working. One Hundred years of decay and all that chooses to live within it. A true home of the insect loa.
Wednesday 23: To Bloomington with Mishlen. Drove straight through. As usual, my spirit made the trip before my body.
Thursday 24: Arrive in Bloomington. The air is visibly green here. So many trees.
Friday 25: Bought a laptop computer. This is the first large purchase I have made for the Work in a long time. It is black and works; this is what I ask.
Saturday 26: Rest and Sleep. My body is adjusting.
Sunday 27: If I do not achieve a balance of the active and passive, I quickly become bored. This boredom is like a necropsy that invades the soul. The soul then disturbs the flow of the mind stream sending dregs to the surface.

Bloomington invites rest. I must learn to accept its gift. But my mind is full. I follow its thoughts like a dog follows its master.
Monday 28: Spoke to Mombo Miriam at the New Orleans Voodoo Spiritual Temple. The currents are shifting. The Temple is (and should) become more of a Spiritual Temple. The emphasis is shifting from the drumming and dancing to the verbal teaching.
As a bocour committed to the drum, this is not the best thing. As an Elder of the Temple, this change is very good and even expected. Both the drummers and the priestess hold the asson. The drum is an asson. It can call the loa as can the clergy's rattle. The sabbatical is close to being assured. Now is the proper time in all of the worlds for such a change.
Tuesday 29: To Cincinnati. It is interesting that people use cell phones in the car to speak to others while I use a tape recorder to make notes to myself.
Black Moon with Tom Wulf and recording with Owen; it has been a year too long.

RITUAL: For Gwenivere; in the recording studio between takes with Patrick
WILL: Strength to Gwenivere
LOVE: Patrick and I played to Legba. I did the Litany of the Loa and then allowed Legba and the all to speak through me.
SUCCESS: Strong
COMMENT: Pat says that I appear as a Legba. This is the same thing Mombo Miriam said in New Orleans while possessed by Ogun(?).
Wednesday 30: I sat a while with Shara in the morning. She lives next to us and is quite old. She has a purity of spirit that shines from her eyes. I have seen this look in the eyes of my own mother. It is as if after a certain age and a goodness of heart, a holiness floats in that softens individual differences.

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